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Why Love Seems So Elusive

For so many women today, men are confusing, even incomprehensible. They seem to operate according to a murky set of rules women have never quite learned.

Victoria, 30, is a nurse at a big-city general hospital. She's ready to get married and start a family, but, like so many women today, she's baffled by men's behavior. "I help male patients of all ages through all kinds of medical crises, but when it comes to relationships, I don't have a clue to what is going on in a man's head. What do they want? What does it take to make them want to call back? How do you turn a few dates into a relationship, how do you make it work? I am so tired of going home aching with loneliness and secretly feeling that things will never change."

Donna is a 41-year-old attorney who has been married for nine years. "I'm so different now than when Tom and I first got married, but he doesn't seem to appreciate that. I don't know whether he's threatened or what, but I wish he would talk to me ... I wish he cared about what is going on inside of me!" Donna wants to be more intimate with her husband but has no idea how to make that happen.

Arlene, 28, a department store buyer, is always going out yet never gets beyond three or four dates with the same man. "I end up making excuses for myself. Sometimes I put the guy down, or I make a joke out of it. Now that I'm nearly 30, I'm afraid I'll never get a man to fall in love with me. All my friends are in relationships, and I can't figure out why I'm not." Arlene knows there is something about her behavior that makes men leave, but she doesn't know how to change the self-defeating patterns that may be set in motion even on the first date.

Cecile, a 36-year-old graphics designer who's been living with a man for eighteen months, describes a growing anxiety. "Even though I know Rusty loves me and eventually wants to get married, I'm still worried. I keep hearing about friends who separated right before they were going to announce their engagement. I feel so conflicted. I'm afraid to push him, but at the same time, I can't just be passive and say nothing." If Cecile understood why and how men eventually commit themselves to a woman, she would not be so apprehensive. In the absence of that kind of insight, she feels enveloped by fear.

The common thread running through the lives of all these women is their compelling wish to understand the nature of a man's love. Whether it is the first date or a marriage of many years, they want to feel they can change the course of love, that they can heighten a man's attraction and strengthen his commitment. But, sadly, they feel powerless to transform that need into a reality.

Excerpted from

Women Men Love, Women Men Leave: What Makes Him Want to Commit?

By Dr. Connell Cowan & Dr. Melvyn Kinder

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