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How Women Bond

In our practices we have discovered that women are generally much more highly motivated by their need for closeness and attachment in relationship than men are. A women’s bonding zone- the position along the Intimacy Scale where she is most likely to feel both comfortable and fulfilled is very close to the Attachment end of the scale. This is where a woman seeks to position herself with a man.

Women’s Bonding Zone

Separateness ----------- Bonding ----------- Attachment

The origins of this powerful driving force, which we have called the Affinity Factor, can be found in a girl’s earliest childhood experiences. A infant’s world is completely centred on Mother, and the baby girl gains a feeling of strength by remaining bonded with her. Closeness becomes forever associated with security.  Around the age of two – the process of developing her own identity begins, and the baby girl starts to imitate her magically powerful mother. Here, too, she learns that strength comes from being affiliated, bonded, and close.

As the girl grows up she retains a firm and lasting memory of this idealized bond or depth of intimacy. As young girls become women, even as they become masterful or career-oriented, the feelings of security so strongly associated with the bond to the mother remain in the unconscious and expert a powerful influence. These early experiences are the origins of the Affinity Factor, the force that makes closeness and bonding so very important for women.

This does not mean, however, that the desire for closeness is always the primary motivator in a woman’s life. As she enters adolescence and adulthood, independence and achievement become increasingly important to her; they can be important to women as they are to men. But while the need for attachment may lie dormant during periods of high achievement, it is never lost nor does it lose its compelling power.

Because a woman associates safety with bonding, separation and aloneness are signals to her of loss of security, and thus represent situations to be avoided. Being unattached is, for many women, a negative and frightening state, for it evokes worries of never again feeling the warmth and security they value so highly.

Excerpted from

Women Men Love, Women Men Leave: What Makes Him Want to Commit?

By Dr. Connell Cowan & Dr. Melvyn Kinder

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